Stay Calm and Don't Throw Up

Anxiety and depression are just some of the few mental health struggles I see within folks who work in this industry. I've had my fair share of struggles and would like to take the time today to share my current mental health journey with you.

Princess Carolyn and Ruthie, Season 6 Episode 2 - The New Client. This is how I really feel; multiple me's doing too many things in an endless cycle.

Each mental health journey is different. And long.

It's different for each person-- whether they want to try and deal with it or let it go, whether they want therapy or are against it, whether they decide medication will help or not.

It's an extensive process that doesn't happen overnight. People in the film industry, no matter what department or role, are ridden with a slue of mental and physical health problems. It's hard to see friends and colleagues of ours struggle and not knowing how to handle what's going on. The following are my current accounts as I've navigated my anxiety and stress over the past few years.

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One of my first remembered experiences happened sophomore year of college.

I had a presentation due. A presentation on the movie Destroyer, starring Nicole Kidman, with a group of students I wasn't super stoked to work with. I'm usually excited for presentations and public speaking, but I felt underprepared this round after many failed attempts to get our group to focus and make the presentation.

I sat in that screening room around my peers with sweaty palms-- really sweaty palms. A huge pit in my stomach that felt bigger than a black hole. My stomach hurt, my head hurt, and I wanted to get it over with; yet I had to wait for other groups to go first. I tried to remind myself to relax, to let go, to calm my stomach down, and to STOP SWEATING.

After our presentation, which was sub-par, my chest stayed tightened, I was tired, and I needed to go back to my dorm. I don't remember much after that, it was a blur.

Stay Calm and Stop Sweating

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My junior year of college.

I'm producing a short film, during the pandemic, for a class that, for me, feels off the rails. Amidst working two part-time jobs and managing myself, I'm dead. I'm coming home from my morning job, sleeping until my virtual classes, sleeping between classes, making a small dinner, going to work, eating a second dinner there, working until past midnight, and coming home to sleep again. Between this hectic lifestyle and the short film, I'm smoking marijuana regularly to take the edge off-- offered by a friend.

Feeling these stressful symptoms, especially during set, made me seek out the free school therapy I had at my disposal, but the two therapists I tried were not the right fit. I stopped therapy after a short period of time believing I could figure things out on my own.

Working out was the escape and release of anxiousness. Cardio filled my daily schedule, 7 days a week, sometimes twice a day. Running before set and after set, continuously moving. I developed an eating disorder. Undiagnosed, sure, but I look back at that time period and think, "wow, I was so skinny, so tiny... unhealthily tiny."

I was 5'3" and 120 pounds at my lowest. But during that time, I kept running.

Stay Calm and Keep Running

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My senior year of college.

Pandemic is winding down and I'm back to school, ready to produce another film. I worried before starting the year due to the past, knowing I had a 10 minute short film to produce, a part-time job with one of the local production companies, freelancing, and personal life to take care of (do you see a pattern?). We jumped in, with a more healthy mindset, but not a completely stable one.

The months went by. They were tough. Once we hit the spring semester, I couldn't take it much more. I did some research and decided maybe anxiety medication would help. I found a doctor in my area, booked an appointment, and was placed on fluoxetine, better known as Prozac.

A few months passed and the pills made me feel weird. Sadder than usual. I didn't like it. Spoke to my doctor, went off the medication and went into talk therapy with a brand new therapist.

Talk therapy was fine and felt like it helped more than the medication. Unfortunately, my therapist needed to reschedule after a family emergency. When she called to reschedule, I was on the phone with a different healthcare provider and missed the call. She called me again later during a Las Vegas work trip, where I was 3 hours behind Pennsylvania time. I missed it. Things just kind of fizzled out, partially from a lack of my effort. A few months after I came to terms with not going back to therapy, I noticed she even messaged me on my healthcare app.

Stay Calm and Internally Apologize to Tara

I'm sorry Tara...

The big blowout.

I'm at my full-time job, a blessing to get right out of college. College stress is in the past. I've been with this company for some time now and made my way from an intern to a full-time employee, W-2 and all.

Two months out of this summer, July and August, were two of the busiest months of the year. I was excited for these challenges, but unfortunately, there was a heavy workload. As always, I was up for the challenge, but forgot about one main thing: adult, big-kid job stress.

I'm one who has a hard time setting my own boundaries since work means so much to me, so I worked so hard, allowing the heightened, manic anxiety that gets stuff done do the talking for those two months, to the point of a complete, spiraling, mental meltdown at the end.

Tired, stressed feelings mixed with long hours, consecutively for days lead to my out of body experience. The meltdown lasted about 2 and a half hours. I sobbed, I curled up in a ball, my breathing got hysterical.

It's ironic, because now looking back, there were signs leading up to the breakdown. After graduation, I had developed chest pains that I decided to push to the side. During the late summer when sets were high in volume, there were days I felt like I wanted to throw up. I had a two panic attack the week before: one in a parking lot after a location scout, and the other in my apartment while watching TV. Two days before it happened, I finally went to my PCP to discuss the chest pains, which I had logged for a month to see if it really was stress-induced or a gastrointestinal problem (hey, you never know). It was, in fact, stress related.

Stay Calm and Don't Throw Up

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Now we're here.

After that PCP visit, I decided to go back on a new medication called citalopram, better known as Celexa. I've been monitoring my progress for months and they have been positive.

I've talked to my friends about the burnout. I talked to my family about the burnout. People I could trust and find comfort in during this period of reflection. It helped me find insight into the problem and to get support from those who love me for who I am.

I thought long and hard about how I operate at work, as that seemed to be my main stressor. It's not that I don't like work-- I LOVE my job and my work so much-- it's the new boundaries I realized I needed to set with myself about work. Don't overextend yourself, don't worry about the little things, etc. It's hard, but I have to keep repeating those mantras to myself to get used to it. No, I am not going to look at my email at 8 AM. I will look at my email when I get to work at 9 AM. Whatever is in there can wait, and I can do what I need to do first. I will figure out how to navigate the long days in a way that makes me happy, content, and fulfilled, but not manic.

I spoke to my bosses about the burnout once I was ready. They were extremely understanding and accommodating to helping me feel better and get back on track. I appreciated their willingness to listen and talk with me about mental health.

The main reason I wrote this article is to tell you that you're not alone, whoever you are reading this out there, whether you're a gaffer, a cinematographer, a photographer, whomever. It's a pretty common thing to hear from people, but I also wanted to show you the struggles I've went through. My brain hasn't been all lollipops and rainbows forever-- no one's has. I find importance in sharing these experiences, and hearing experiences from others, so we can understand each other a bit more, as humans, as people, and as beings on this Earth.

My advice to those dealing with mental health problems: Take the step that you WANT to take. Reflect on the issue at hand, and what could be some possible solutions. I know some solutions you won't want to do, or seem like a huge step, but that's why we brainstorm many ideas instead of just one.

What is that step going to be for you?

I know you can do it.

Photo sourced from Gioele Fazzeri on Pexels.