I'm Graduating Tomorrow and I Don't Know What the F*** I'm Doing

Image via gradguard.com.

Two weeks ago, I had to have a tough conversation with my family. The "what happens next" conversation wasn't one I was excited for. After months of searching, I still don't know what the future holds for me. I walk in my cap and gown tomorrow and for the first time in my life, I'm not sure where to go next. This is the moment I've been working towards for the past six years and what do I have to show for it? Severe depression and anxiety (lol what's new) and enough rejection letters to cover a wall like wallpaper.

Is it too late for me to finally take my first steps in the field of my dreams without going to a backup plan?

I feel tired, ill-prepared, and sick to my stomach. All my life, there has been this expectation: finish school and your career path will be as clear as day. Now that I'm here, I know that's a boldfaced lie. I don't know where to turn next. The popular 1967 film, The Graduate, somehow takes on a whole new meaning at this point in my life. I guess I'm feeling a little bit like Benjamin Braddock: drowning in the expectations of myself and others and leaning into aimlessness.

Dustin Hoffman as Benjamin Braddock. Image via The Atlantic

I think I suffer from this fear of waiting. I can't keep waiting for the right opportunity to hit me on the head, nor can I continue waiting and hope one person sees my work and wants to hire me. That's just not a real expectation anymore, especially in the times we are living in now. The competition is real, and I'm not a good fit just yet at what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I've also felt that I have failed myself and the people who have so many hopes for me. Sounds pretty lofty, but there's some truth in it. I remember one of the adults I was speaking to as a high school student pointed out this one person in the crowd. They told me about how they thought this kid would grow up and be successful in the big city. However, they ended up staying in town, and completely changed their life path. The words engrained in my head were, " I had hopes for them, I don't know what happened." That moment made me want to live up to what others saw of me; to be successful and leave my hometown to make something of myself that people would be proud of. This goal of mine seems more impossible as I move onto the next chapter and escape the comfort of college.

In life you experience ups and downs, but you never feel the full effect of them until you fully escape security. Post school is that first moment of full independence. Yes, in college you move out and have your own separate life, but there's still something to fall back on. When you graduate, that safety net is gone. After that comes the expectations of what the future will hold. I have one thing to say:

Expectations can go take a hike.

I'm finding that I have to stop caring about what others will think. I chose an atypical career, so it's inevitable that I will have an atypical career path. We are all so wired to believe that every path post college is similar; but it's not. Also, you can't gauge your success off of someone else, so why gauge expectations? To put it simply: it's my life, and I'll live it the way I want to. The path to success is different for everyone, and we as society need to recognize that.

Image via Lifehack.

This week I've been lucky to speak to alumni from my soon-to-be alma mater. The number one piece of advice given was that your path post graduation is going to change: accept it. It doesn't mean you are changing your personal goals, it means you are going with the flow, and living life the best way you can.

At this point, you've worked hard to get where you're at. For anyone out there like me, you have to continuously remind yourself that everything will play out the way it's supposed to. Sure it's extremely difficult right now, but you are only at the starting point for the rest of your life. No sh*t it's going to be hard. Life will test you, but it will also make you more resilient. It's going to be okay; you will find your path. Keep trying, and keep doing your best to continue on. You never know what's going to happen next, you just got to jump and hope for the best.