Am I An Imposter?

”Fake it till you make it.”

I distinctly remember being told this by a teacher of mine when I was younger. I thought of it as an odd saying, but now it has become a bit of a motto. I have found myself to be confident in my skills, even when I didn’t absolutely know what I was doing. However, I’ve recently experienced a change of heart that has developed into something called imposter syndrome.

Me trying to pretend that I know what I’m doing.

The reason I’m really writing is because a few weeks ago, I hit an emotional wall. During a forum a class of mine was having, I mentioned how I was finding these sort of “gaps of education” due to the 2020 shutdown. These gaps have become a huge worry of mine. After that class, I kind of spiraled down this dark hole. I started asking myself questions like, “do I truly know what I’m doing?” In a snap, imposter syndrome took over and there I was, directing my roommate how to chop all my hair off because I felt like I needed to be in control and achieve something I had wanted to do.

Me in shock after cutting my hair… This was my “oh crap” moment.

I guess I fear that I’m consistently failing and I can’t seem to recognize it. I fear that I'm forever falling behind, with no way of knowing how to catch up. So when someone tells me I’m doing a good job, I reject that belief. That’s a part of imposter syndrome: thinking that I am not good enough to receive praise or compliments.

As artists, we point out our flaws. We are brought up in the artistic world that the majority of the process of creation is critique. So what happens when you aren't as heavily criticized as you have been before? Doubt starts to sink in. It feels like I'm becoming anxious and more distraught as this happens.

But then I remember: I AM a product of my experiences, and that I am stronger because of them.

So yeah, COVID really harmed me in what I was learning in the classroom. However, it showed me an alternate path. The world changed for me, so I flowed with it. And somehow, it has worked for me. You have to trust the process, and in doing that, trust yourself. Without trust, how can you feel confident about what you’re doing?

In my few years of studying film, I do have to remind myself and others that you are better than you think you are or that you give yourself credit for. Sometimes it is really hard to wrap your head around this: you are way tougher on yourself than the world is. It’s okay to be tough, but imposter sydrome kicks in especially when your expectations for yourself are not obtainable.

Part of my supportive team filming “Revocation” (2019)

Imposter syndrome is just like having the common cold: easy to get, but hard to get rid of. That’s where the support of others comes in handy. I am honored to have found such a supportive group of artists within my school that help me become the best I can be. Having a supportive team is especially important when you doubt yourself. They tell it like it is, unlike that nagging voice of anxiety in your head.

So remember that feeling of being an imposter in your own skin? That’s not real.You are not an imposter. You are a product of your own experiences, and those make you better both as an artist and as a person. You have to start treating yourself with kindness to be the best you can be. Remember to trust yourself, and lean on the support of your group, because that is how you defeat the feeling of being an imposter.